This blog is not fiction. In ______, I was obsessed with how to end my life. It’s true!!! It happened to me in my younger days!!! I was really miserable, I saw no way out, and I just wanted the misery to stop. It was not just a passing thought. If I had to put a time on it, I would say I kept thinking about it for 4 to 5 years. The thought would come into my head, then it would disappear to the back and it would re-surface again. There was no trigger, it just comes and goes! It was just crazy because I could not snap myself out of it! Of course the ‘depression’ did not just come from lack of money. There were still some unresolved childhood issues (everyone has them, by the way), and I also felt that my Mother, whom I have always depended on, could have helped me simply because she could. I mean honestly, what was she going to do with the $200 household allowance that she forced me to give her every month? She’s already rich, will her life change significantly with my $200? She put me under tremendous stress by forcing me to learn independence immediately, her reason being ‘you have a degree now’. I remember an incident well. It was a few months after my work probation period, and I was officially a full-time permanent employee. Out of the blue, she passed me an insurance policy that she had taken out on my behalf many, many years ago, when I became legal age. I remember the annual premium was only about $1300, and she announced that I had to take care of the premiums for my own policy going forward. What?! For what?!! I don’t need this stupid insurance!!! My husband and I were already struggling, how can we service this stupid insurance policy??? Try as I might, I couldn’t save any money, so I let the policy lapse. When she found out a couple of months later, she berated me for wasting her money servicing it for so many years! (but then who told her to buy the policy for me?).  You see, instead of offering to help me pay the premium for 1 more year (this is the last time I am helping you to pay ok?), she blamed me instead. She did not ask why I let it lapse, she did not even want to try to understand!!! Even though I know that mum was no longer obliged to help me out financially, I still feel that she could have given me a break, especially since she saw with her own eyes that her daughter was already struggling. She’s not some supervisor at work who was not obliged to help me – she was my mum!!! 😭

It is important to surround yourself with positive vibes, as I told you in ____. But I know that when you are stuck, you are very skeptical how this advice works. Am I right? 😅✌ “Surrounding myself with positive people and positive posters will help me pay my debts? How? Do positive posters have the power to make my supervisor give me a promotion?” My answer is that it will, not immediately, but it will. But you have to start now! Starting early will give you more time to re-program your brain to change all those useless pre-conditioned thinking. Pre-conditioning is a result of:

1. our childhood (school, teachers, parents, playmates, siblings, relatives), and
2. our education (theory, case studies, hypothesis, discussions) and
3. our adult experiences (marriage, parents, parents-in-law, work, supervisor, colleagues).

Re-wiring your brain’s thinking takes time! The sooner you start, the better. Why? Time is not running in our favour. Read my blog on time _____. If you start when you are younger, you will enjoy the benefits of re-wiring your brain in your ‘middle’ adult years, and in your ‘late’ adult years. And for an ordinary person, these are the years that truly matter, right?

Why do I want to create this website? You see, after my life got better, I started to do volunteer work in a temple. I got to see many worshippers, and perhaps because it’s easier to open up to a stranger (me), I played ‘Aunt Agony’ to several of them.  I felt so sad for them when they cried their hearts out. 😭 I remember a time when I felt so sad too. I guess what they really needed was just a listening ear. People say our families are our only supporters, but I don’t think so. If we tell our problems to our family, they would worry. And their worries will add onto our problems! That’s the last thing you need – more problems and pressure from your family!!! So you see, nobody has it easy in life!!! I realised then that this feeling of suicide is very real. I want to tell readers who are going through very tough times: “DON’T THINK ABOUT ENDING YOUR LIFE!!!” Life is so very precious. It’s not your time to die yet. Whatever you are facing, you can get out of it! Getting to where I am today took away half of my lifetime of energy (it was a struggle to get out of misery), but today I can tell you that “I DON’T WANT TO DIE YOUNG! Please, God, let me live to be past 100 years old!!!” 🙏