I thought about how I would end my life. If I tried this method, what level of pain are we talking about before I die? If I tried that method, how will I look like in death? Will my body still be whole? What if my plan goes wrong, and I end up in a coma instead? Will my parents or my husband be able to afford my hospital fees? Sometimes I visualised my death, and my heart beat like crazy! You know those scary movies where you float around with no where to go after death, wooooo 👻…. Man, it was really scary – the thought that I was going to die!!!

No, no, no! I don’t really want to die! I just want to get out of this s#*@ %^^&$%^#^ situation, that’s all!

The saying ‘what goes down must come up’ is very true! I can’t really say what prompted the change in my life, but I came across this quote that completely struck a chord in me. In truth, it just happened! Just like that.

我想：死就死吧！只是死而已！ 我要怎么死呢？我很怕痛，什么方法死时不痛呢？我也怕‘走’的时候不美，要怎么样死后尸体还是‘美美’的？如果自杀计划搞砸，会不会因此昏迷？如果半生不随但不死怎么办？ 会有人来医院探望我吗？ 我先生会跟我离婚吗？ 我那无情的妈妈会诅咒我还是照顾我？ 当我认真考虑我自杀的方法时，我发现我不是真的想死！！！死很恐怖， 电视我看太多了， 焰魂不散， 在人间飘来飘去 👻。。。 好可怕！！！ 如果我真的想一走了之，为什么我心敲打这么厉害？我想到我要死了，真的感到害怕！

不！不！我不要死！我只是要脱离现在的苦海！

有一天，你发觉世界不会为你而改变 – 你真的受够了，不可能比现在更糟糕 – 那一刻你就会被’点醒‘！真的！人是要继续活下去的！！！ 我喜欢这引用词。最后一句是“就这样我决定改变”。