It’s really alright to have vengeful thoughts when someone pisses you off! It’s normal! Go ahead, crack your head and think of how you can piss him or her back! I Googled “vengeful” and this definition came up:  seeking to harm someone in return for a perceived injury. The important words here are ‘perceived injury’. Did Siti harm me? Nope! It’s just that I had a plan, and I was trying to sell her my plan, but she did not buy it. It’s my pride that she stepped on! And I REALLY HATE PEOPLE WHO MESS UP MY PLANS!!! But I am surprised how my thoughts have changed over the years. As a child and in my teenage years, I could be maligned, and my reaction would be to just sulk and to be quiet about it. I would bottle all the pain and the hurt inside of me, and I would fume! Throughout my young adult years, I would still be quiet about it, and I would put up a smiling face. In my mid-adult years, I had to do all these, and worst still, I would (had to?) continue to butter the enemy. I never entertained vengeful thoughts, and I always try to find a way to escape (either by denial or by harbouring suicidal thoughts). I kept all the pain inside of me, and I seldom let it show. I’ll be honest with you. It is my belief that all my quiet brought me to where I am today.

如果有人惹你生气，你开始有复仇​​的想法，这是理所当然的！正常的呀！ 动动脑筋，你要怎么做才能惹恼他？！ 要报仇呀！！！ 我用谷歌搜索“复仇”这个定义：试图报复给你非实际伤害的某人。 这里重要的词是’非实际的伤害’。 西蒂伤害我了吗？ 没有啦！ 我有一个计划， 我鼓励她接受我的计划，但她不肯配合。 ‘我是主人她是仆’。 她不肯接受我主人的点子， 等于踩到我的自尊！ 我最讨厌阻挡我的计划的人！ 说实在， 我的想法、 反应多年来产生了变化， 我感到惊讶。 同年和青春期的时候，我如果被人诽谤， 我的反应是生气在心里，但保持沉默。 我会把痛苦和伤害放进我内心深处。 在二十岁的成年期间， 我仍然保持沉默， 而且我会竖起一张笑脸。 在我三十、 四十岁成年期间， 我不仅做这些， 更糟糕的是： 我会（不得不）继续在敌人面前竖起一张笑脸。 我从来没有， 也不会接受有复仇​​的想法在我的脑里头， 我只会试图找一种逃避的方法 （比如说否认或隐瞒自杀念头）。我把所有的痛苦都埋进我的内心里，很少让痛苦和悲伤显示出来。 我跟你说实话： 我相信我有今天大部分是应为我的这份安静。