So did you think that good things happened to me after my revelation______? Of course not! I was still drowning under all that paperwork, and my boss still passed me over for a promotion. My mum still nagged me, but this time instead of complaining about my pathetic contribution of $200 every month, she said: “How miserable! You can’t even give me a single cent. If I had to depend on you for money, I’ll starve for sure!” But you know what has changed? It’s the way I accepted that ‘my life is miserable’. I accepted it – yes, I was upset about things, I was upset about my work, I was upset about my mum’s sarcastic words, but I did not add misery ON TOP of misery. So the misery only came from the overtime (the event), from the passed over promotion (the event), from backstabbing from my colleagues (the event) and my mother’s nagging of what a disappointment I am (she spoke words, but my mind did not process her words, and I steeled my heart about feeling hurt at her words). I did not create more misery from my own thoughts. I accepted it. I accepted that I was not good at my job, I accepted that my colleagues did not like me, and I accepted that I disappointed my mum.

I started to live in numbness, and I thought myself as a robot 👾 going through the everyday motions. I did not expect anything good anymore: I did not expect to end work at 6pm, I did not expect to be promoted, I did not expect genuine friendship from my colleagues, I did not expect love from my husband, and I sure as hell did not expect any kind words from my mother and my mother-in-law. But you know what? It was great! ✌👍 I found peace being a zombie 💀 because I no longer felt upset and the tears halted. As a matter of fact, you know,  for many years after my revelation, I thought my tear ducts died. They did! Where previously I would cry at sappy movies, and I would feel very sympathetic hearing sob stories told by friends and colleagues, I did not shed a tear for myself or anyone else. It’s true! Don’t ask me why, but the tears just refused to flow down anymore!!! 😵 I stopped wishing and I stopped hoping anything of my husband (who, in my ridiculous mind, was supposed to save me), and I gave up on this stupid, absurd idea of ‘True love❤ conquers all, true love❤ never dies, true love❤ will never fade.’

But because I was able to halt the spiral of misery, guess what happened? My mind cleared up, and I was able to see that I needed to keep my job. Nobody was coming to save me, so I had to save myself! I was going to stay alive, because I have no guts to kill myself. Man, it’s going to be a long journey ahead! I might as well get comfortable! No doubt I was working alone in the office most nights, but I gave myself a proper 20 minutes sit-down dinner at the air-con food court. I told myself I will not eat alone in that dark office any more. I will eat well, then I will go back and continue working my guts out! It was damn heavy trudging tons of paperwork home (those days we did not have modern day work internet connectivity) by bus, but I work up very early to catch the first bus, so that I could get a seat. At times when I felt that I was going to collapse from exhaustion, I ‘treated’ myself to a cab ride home! Let me tell you: I did not feel bad towards my mum when I was riding the cab. I knew I had to keep this job, so by hook or by crook, I will make sure I survive in my job! ✊